it's not enough to have the dream...

not a secret anymore

2011-08-24T11:54:00.000-07:00

"Creation is always happening. Every time an individual has a thought, or a prolonged chronic way of thinking, they're in the creation process. Something is going to manifest out of those thoughts. You attract to you the predominant thoughts that you're holding in your awareness, whether those thoughts are conscious or unconscious." - Michael Bernard Beckwith

The law is perfect, the law of attraction that is. We may not be perfect, our lives may not be perfect, but the law stating that like attracts like, is perfect. All of the great scholars: Plato, Socrates, Emerson, Lincoln, Edison, Beethoven, and Einstein, all believed in this law. The beautiful thing about this law is that you have created the life that you lead today, and if you are unsatisfied with any one portion of your life, you have the ability to recreate your existence. You don't have to be what you are today. You can be more. You can be less. You can be anything or anyone that you want to be. Your imagination is what gave you your aspirations, dreams, and the desire to fulfill those dreams. Your imagination can give you anything that you want, if you focus on it enough. The idea here though is that you cannot focus on what you do NOT want, you must focus on what you do want. God/the universe/the higher power you wish or pray to, isn't listening to what you don't want, but rather on what you ask for, so that you may receive. And if like attracts like, you must believe that you can attain what you ask for, or you're basically saying I want something that I can't have, that won't work. Have faith in yourself. Have faith in this universe. Have faith on shooting stars, wishing wells, and pennies found heads up. Make wishes on white butterflies, and beleive in angels. Life is short. Your dreams can only become a reality, if you realistically picture yourself in them.

Sundays.

2011-06-26T16:22:00.000-07:00

I used to write every day. I used to blog once a month or more. I used to look at people knowing what they were thinking or feeling. I honestly used to think that mistakes were only made once. I have learned that is not always the case. Sometimes we will make the same mistake again and again and again, and it is part of the reason we don’t move forward. We think we are doing the right thing, or saying the right thing, or even being the right person, but maybe we’re just making due with what’s in front of us.

I sure hope everyone I love does better than “making due”. I sure hope I can learn and grow and become a better person, not just today, but every day. I think it’s strange that 2 weeks ago I didn’t know the horse Seger existed, and now he is the first thing I think about in the morning. I wonder if Seger is standing, hungry, happy, sleeping, hot, bored, or just plain lonely. I wonder if he likes where he sleeps. I know this is crazy, trust me I know, but I love that horse. I love Seger. If I can love a horse in less than 2 weeks just by volunteering some extra time, I wonder what would happen if I gave even more. I wonder what sort of love could develop out of giving more than you take every day. I sure do wonder.

I applied for teaching jobs overseas today. I have an interview tomorrow in Santa Monica, CA. I hope I get it. I’m so sick of moving, and so ready to sit still for awhile. Off to a neighborly BBQ. Sundays.

i know i know, its been too long...

2011-06-21T14:43:00.000-07:00

you know when you're single and you first meet someone? you're excited. everything is sunnier. flowers are prettier. rain is funner. spring is spring. white and black turns to gray. you start doing things you wouldn't normally do. you start saying things you normally wouldn't say. you make compromises. you change plans. then one day, life happens. everything that seemed so perfect, so fortuitous, so genuine, so real, so alive - seems almost dead, lifeless, boring, minute, repetitious. you start questioning yourself. you start questioning the other person. you start questioning everything. most of you wants to stay in, but a big part of you wants out.

this is my life. this is what i usually do. this is why i'm 27 and single. this is why i write the truth, instead of speak the truth. this is why i give love to my family, that i'm afraid to give to strangers.

this past weekend i was supposed to go camping and floating down a river with this new guy i was dating, we'll call him Lee for the sake of the story. the trip was premature, as most things in life feel. you're never really ready for anything, a house, spouse, kids, a lay off, a move, a new job, everything always seems premature these days. we spend more time trying to convince ourselves we are ready than the time we spend actually preparing to be ready. anyway, last minute he called it off and went alone with his friends. i knew this was coming, i knew the day before we left he thought this, but he didn't have the audacity to come to me and say something. at any rate, an hour and a half before the trip, we talked...yada yada yada.... i didn't go.

that night i went and met at my friends house to play Scrabble. afterwards we all went out for a drink. the guys were all leaving for a wilderness backpacking trip the next morning at 6am. i really wanted to go. i begged and pleaded and told them i could do it and wouldn't fall behind, after a few shots of whiskey, they agreed.

my brother Jake, friend O'Connor, other guy Kevin and i all headed out to Sequoia National Park the next morning. i packed, showered and we were on the road by 7am. woke up a tad late. from the other car, O'Connor text me the following 10 ground rules:

1. Don't talk unless spoken to.
2. We are never lost only temporarily off the trail so don't suggest otherwise.
3. If you fall behind, good luck.
4. Bear fighting will happen, get up for it.
5. No complaining.
6. Men handle the fire.
7. Nudity will occur for hero shots.
8. You're considered a guy for the next 48 hours.
9. All trail talk is non-repeatable and non-judgmental. It will be vulgar.
10. This is a man trip. Don't forget.

I agreed without hesitation, and done. turned out to be the best weekend i've ever had hiking, the most rewarding, the most challenging, the most relentless, the most mental stamina i've ever tapped into. we hiked 36 miles total, to see the 15 foot wide Sequoia trees in the Redwood Meadow. it was gorgeous. at one point, the path was blocked due to high water and we had to find a different route. we walked 25 feet across a fallen tree with white water rapids below us. i saw a scary rattlesnake. we killed spiders. we got bit. we gathered river water and used iodine tablets to be able to drink it without puking. we got in freezing water. we drank Jameson. Jake found a scorpion in his pack when he got home on sunday. the whole trip was amazing.

"What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise." - Oscar Wilde

so you see, it turned out i wasn't supposed to go floating afterall. turns out i was in exactly the right place, at exactly the right time, with exactly the right people. all weekend. all 36 miles. all 190,080 feet.

do you believe?

2010-11-23T14:44:00.000-08:00

Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Do you believe that when the right person looks at you just the right way, at just right the moment, from far across the room, is it possible to lose your breath? Is it possible to want to live more for someone else, than for yourself? Is forever love possible? Does it know no bounds? When you see someone you love kiss someone else. When you take a long hot shower alone after a terrible day. When you lose someone you love to cancer. When you say goodbye to your mother or father for the very last time. When you fall in love so deeply you can barely hear the noise around you. When you touch the hand of the one who holds your heart. When you kiss the one you know you’re going to love, but don’t love yet.

When you do these things, does your heart drop?

Forever is only a concern if you reach it. No one chases love for forever, if we did, we’d all be disappointed. That’s because as Einstein once said, “Time is an illusion.” As we’ve all learned, we coexist in a world of infinite. There is an abundance of resources at our fingertips, an abundance of water, of earth, of air, of love. The actual feeling of love doesn’t hit us once and stay with us forever, it comes and goes. Just as anger comes and goes, happiness comes and goes, sadness comes and goes, love comes and goes. Which is why I would encourage you, hold onto the ones you love. Hold them as dear as you did the day you fell in love with them. Blow them kisses over the phone. Touch their hearts with old stories. Write them letters. Kiss them. Love them. Tease them. And remember, love is not objective to the mind, but rather an emotion emitted to your mind through your heart. It needs to be nurtured and honored, because only time can prove the worth of love. And since time is an illusion, a fantasy, a daydream, subsequently, love must be a fairytale.

i wonder

2010-10-17T11:30:00.000-07:00

You know sometimes I wonder how many times I've walked by my soulmate? I think that like attracts like and that I've at least been in the same vicinity as him at some point. Maybe even the same country, I don't know. I think it's so weird to ponder who he is or where he's at, or even what he's doing at this very moment while I type. Is he bored? lonely? down? smiling? happy? Is he as funny as i am? Oh i hope so.

I think there is so much to be said about the unstated. Is something a fact simply because there is no way to disprove its validity? If someone tells you they love you, is this always true? Is it forever? Is it temporary? Are we temporary? If we are temporary, and trust me at least your body is, how do you judge eternity? How do you judge what's worth your instant satisfaction or pleasing to your long term gratification?

I don't imagine most people understand what I write. I also don't imagine most people sit around praying and hoping that their soulmate, whoever that may be, is smiling and content. I do. Not only do I, I think it's important that I do. You never know who you're wishing goodness upon, but if you're not at least lifting others up, what are you doing for others? What do you lift up? Is your vice greater than your end?

wow i adore thunderstorms.

2010-08-31T19:59:00.001-07:00

i just got back from a run, i'm drinking a glass of two buck chuck from australia. trust me you wouldn't understand if i tried. today was hectic. but tonight is beautiful. there were stars in the sky, clouds, and lightning. i sit in my bed, relaxing, reading, counting my blessings, and thunder...hmmmm thunder. tonight is one of those magical fairytale nights. where you think, who created all of this. what sort of mind could have even fathomed the thunder and lightning while people peacefully sleep. this i don't know.

my sister dyed my hair blonde over the weekend. she's amazing. took like 5 hours, and wow let me tell you - i look a bit yellow. but its cute. and she did an amazing job. we'll have to do some more work on it in a couple weeks, but you know, as most things in life, it's a work in progress.

i have a wedding this Friday at the Rose Garden, this beautiful place in kansas city that people camp out for at the first every year to get married at later in the year. it's quite insane actually. well it's a good, old friend of mine from high school. should be a good time. i rsvp'd for two, since i was a two about 3 weeks ago. now i'm a one, a single, so i've got about 72 hours to find a two. don't you love the dating life? people who are married want to be single at weddings, and people who are single secretly just want a definite date to watch those getting married? really, makes no sense at all. but we do it anyway.

yoga time. namaste.

thankfulness.

2010-07-08T06:25:00.000-07:00

July 8, 2010

I'm thankful for my life. i'm happy with my life. i have everything i need... an abundance of friends, family, resources, options, talents, love, laughter, and moments that take my breath away. It's true. I believe in myself. I believe in the power of love, of unconditional love, of the infinite power of the omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent God and universe that we live in consciousness with, in direct alignment with. I believe in others, in the power of good intentions, of becoming and being the woman I am on the inside, on the outside. Of the woman that once lived in the world without, living in peace and serenity, fulfilled in the world within.

Last night I opened up a journal entry to my heavenly Father that I wrote on November 10, 2009:

"Father, my heart is broken, tattered, and torn. I have You, but it feels most days I have no one. I love you. I love my family. But every day is harder, darker, lonelier. I search for meaning. I seek love. I respect those around me. Where am I going? Why am I here? If you are carrying me, as You promised, where are You taking me? And why is it taking so long? Every day I rise, every night I rest, though my body aches, at every moment. The emptiness is palpable. I want to trust You, to love You, to adore You, and every day that passes, I try harder not to resent You. Is it me? Is it my stubborness? My incapacity to see the truths? Is it my heart?

Today I read Eccelesiastes 7:13-14: 'Consider what You have done. Who can straighten what he has made crooked? When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one, as well as the other. Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future.'

Is this what you're teaching me? Patience. Kindness. Thankfulness. I am thankful, for You, Your power, Your heart, and all the gifts You have given me. In Matthew 5:13-16, You speak of our gifts, and to not take advantage of our gifts. For it is easier to keep them, than to lose them and try and get them back. This lesson on gifts, what might mine be? You gave me a caring heart, that I often hide, curiousity, candidness, love for and from my family, friendship, beauty, persistence, guidance, the ability to stay focused on my goals. I have to be honest, I haven't been using or even recognizing most of these gifts for a long time. Part of me can't find them. And the other part of me hates myself for manipulating parts of my life, of my heart, in lue of these gifts. My candidness often hurts those I love most. My curiousity often causes me pain and heartache. My persistence often leads to success, when I use it in the way You intended. My guidance comes from You, and often through me to others. My beauty is worthless, and often causes more distress from attractions of unworthy men, than being patient for the man You have chosen for me.

Answer me this Father, creator of heaven and Earth, if life is so beautiful, why do I only see the ugliness? If we are made to love, why can't I give my heart away and be loved? If we were created to do work and fulfill Your purpose, why won't You let me do that? I want to. I want to do what You want me to do. I want to live a life that makes You smile. A life of fulfillment and abundance. A life that makes day to day hassles meaningless. I see that You are teaching me, even through this. I see that You are working on my patience, and my heart. I know that Your timing, no matter how troublesome or inconvenient, is impeccable."

That was a short time ago. Look where our hearts lead us, from broken and tattered, to abundant and fulfilled... in months. Where I might ask, is your heart at?

Inspiration...

2010-05-25T06:59:00.000-07:00

I would love to explain to you how excited I get when I think of my future. But one of our greatest thinkers said, and I quote, “Time is an illusion.” You see Albert Einstein knew that time was only something that we thought, time is only our perception of when things happen, when really all things happen simultaneously. Everything is always happening at once. There is no time in his relativity theory. Therefore although I look toward the future, truth be told, I’m already there, I’m already living the life I desire. When you trust in this, and believe in this, you will find great happiness and patience in the present. The theory of relativity allows that you are the person you were 10 years ago, and in all relativity the same person you are today, and the same person you will be in 10 years.

Newton and Einstein proved that, “With the proper technology, such as a very fast spaceship, one person is able to experience several days while another person simultaneously experiences only a few hours or minutes. The same two people can meet up again, one having experienced days or even years while the other has only experienced minutes. The person in the spaceship only needs to travel near to the speed of light. The faster they travel, the slower their time will pass relative to someone planted firmly on the Earth. If they were able to travel at the speed of light, their time would cease completely and they would only exist trapped in timelessness.”

Some days I sit in wonder, thinking of the life I have now, versus the life I am destined to live. But when you realize that everything is planned, that time is only in our direct perception, only something that we created to systematize our society, then you will realize one important truth. You already have everything you will receive. You already have your dream life, you just have to embrace it, live it, be here now, because now is all you have.

“So in summary, the universe we see is just a fragment nested in a timeless (everything) whole, rather than a single material world magically arisen above some primordial nothing. All universes exist without beginning or end in the ultimate arena of time, and each moment we experience exists forever.” The moments we experience exist in timelessness. There is no end or beginning of such universes, we coexist naturally and infinitely. Which is why I will say again, be here now, because now is all you have.

love. it never once was.

2010-05-14T12:49:00.000-07:00

It was never so true that it never once was. That the beauty of life gave breath to your soul. That you slept in my arms, that you took hold of my heart. It was never so true, that it never once was.

I started thinking the other day about, of course, love. Such a precious gift that gets abandoned, mistreated, taken for granted, hurt, even ridiculed. We all spend our whole lives waiting to be with someone that will understand us, love us, give us what we lack, be our better half, love even our wildest imperfections, even the things we can barely accept about ourselves, love those. Then we find someone, we find someone that believes in us just as much as we believe in them, we fall in love. Seriously. We fall in love. The two spend nights staying up way too late, hours talking about nothing that certainly means something, weeks hardly sleeping. Days alone seem like centuries apart. The love feels worlds away, even when it’s at your fingertips. You reach out to touch it, to touch love, you can barely feel it, it’s so far away. You deal with the ins and outs of every unwarranted piece of advice, from every misinformed individual that you have ever crossed paths with. You wonder what everybody else thinks or sees, you wonder how they feel - but why? Does it really matter what an outsider feels unclearly about over what your inside clearly feels? I don’t think so.

I’ve never been submissive to the thoughts of the ignorant. I calculate decisions I’m making in order to protect the balance within me. The fire and the fight, the rain and the love. I make decisions based on the desired results. If you want something, you own it. You take a hold of it with great fiery and pride. You never let it go. You hold on. You fight. You love. And eventually things get blurry, and ever so slowly, the rain puts out the fire. And as you watch the two collide. You think. The two, they’re one, we can no longer see the separation between them. It was never so true, that it never once was.

yes

2010-05-06T09:10:00.000-07:00

today is a free day. and the answer is yes. i'm not going to say no today. i'm not going to complain, not that i complain that much anyway. but flowers and rainbows is my overall motto for this day. so ask me anything, and yes i'll answer. ask me to go and do and take pictures, and yes i'll go.

oh no and tonight i have a bachelorette dinner. today might've been a bad day for yes day.

we shall see.

i dreamt

2010-04-18T07:59:00.000-07:00

the other night i dreamt something quite extraordinary. the dream is so vivid, i can actually recall the whole dream back to memory. people say that we all dream in black and white, maybe that's true for some, but i can remember color in dreams, and i can see the colors very clearly even when i wake up. i have been back and forth a lot, should i move back overseas, or should i stay here in America and continue the 8-5 grind. don't get me wrong, i am lucky to have this opportunity, and even to have work in this economy, but sometimes it's difficult for me to do the repetition. i have been drawn to the lack of actual organization lately, the not knowing, the spontaneity, the having no clue of where i'm going, just knowing that i'm living my life to the fullest all the way there. don't get me wrong, i'm still semi-OCD in my own ways, must make the bed every morning, clean clothes once a week, color sort hanging clothes, you see i'm still organized, i'm talking about the overall picture sort of stuff. i want to pack a suitcase sometimes and move to a foreign country, whichever country, and help others and learn about the society and culture. i love that sort of thing. but i'm always so torn, because i also love my family and being close to the people i love is important to me.

so back to the dream, i dreamt that i had just arrived in another country, i was exchanging all of my american dollars for their coins. i would hand him an american dollar, and then even some different things of mine like jewelry, and the man behind the counter would give me different sized and different amounts of these coins. i didn't really care what i gave him, because i needed the money to live there. then he saw a tri-fold picture, it was really old and worn around the edges. i had never seen it before. so he opened it up and said, oh this is beautiful i will give you 30 coins for this. now mind you, that's more than he's given me for any of the rest of my money and possessions, but i look at this photo and i see 3 different pictures. the middle picture is my neice and i, she is riding on my shoulders and we are both laughing and smiling. the picture to the left is of my father and i, when i was just a little baby, he is feeding me ice from his mouth, something apparently babies love when they're younger. and the third picture on the right is of my grandmother and i, just smiling, sitting at the table and talking, nothing special. all of the photos are in black and white, the rest of the dream was in color. i started crying so hard upon seeing those photos. here i was in a foreign country, all alone, and i wanted to see my family, i wanted to be with them, and i couldn't i was all alone. i turned down the 30 coins, i told him the picture was priceless. shortly after i woke up.

they say some dreams are intuitive, whoever "they" are, but i think they're right. here i have been going back and forth for 6 months about which country to live in and where to stay, and if i should settle down or not, and then i have a dream like this. i decided i can visit anywhere anytime if need be, but for now, i'd rather work my 40 hour weeks and be close to my niece.

what do i love...

2010-04-02T13:00:00.000-07:00

i love to be smiling and happy. i love to put on a good event where everyone has fun. i love making people feel relaxed, calm, and happy. i love to see people completely turn their lives around. i love to set goals and attain them. i love to travel and be around people of other cultures and backgrounds. i love to be around successful and mature adults. i don't like people who are dishonest, unfaithful, or people who are lazy. i love watching movies. i love watching people or couples interact. i also love taking long walks through the woods, just being in nature - and being in a huge open field, with a blanket and a person to cuddle up with. i love cuddling. more than that, i love candles and fireplaces with real wood. i also love writing. i love taking long hot showers in the dark or by candlelight. i love being a good woman. i love singing praises to God. i love my family more than anything. i love having someone to hold, and eventually someone to hold every night. and i love love love being held. truth is. i love.

our lives are books

2010-02-10T18:17:00.000-08:00

Some chapters are short. Some chapters are so good you don’t want them to end, even when they do. Some chapters last lifetimes, and before you know it, the book is over, your life as you knew it is gone.

This is what I think, mixed with what I know, if every day is better than yesterday, then at the end, you’ll be having the best day of your life. I say, make your life a top seller. Make your life one that someone else would feel fortunate to live. Focus on your heart. Focus on what your heart tells you. Listen to your heart and let your instincts guide you.

I have thought for a long time that I knew what life was about, that I understood it all. But every day I learn something new. Every day I wake up, I grow. I become someone thats a tad bit wiser than the woman I was yesterday. The universe is our playground. It gives you everything you need to be happy, but you must respect your surroundings.

We were made to love, to love everything and everyone around us. I cannot explain why some days I am happy and some days I would rather cry. But I can tell you this, without pain and suffering, we wouldn’t know the value of happiness and love. Pain is inevitable. Hurting whether you’re alone, or hurting whether you lose someone, either way you are hurting. I say risk it. Say something you mean even if you’re afraid that someone will not react the way you want them to. Say something you are thinking, without thinking. Speak in sweet, kind, loving words, every day. Know that love will always prevail. Love trumps all, friendship, hate, time, knowledge, riches, love will always win.

So if you're wondering, should I work more or fall in love? Work less. Should I make more friends or fall in love? Make less friends. Should I wait until I'm 30 to fall in love? Don't wait. Should I finish my education before I fall in love? You're smarter than that. You only get one chance to write your story, your book, your life, before it's all over.

wow.

2009-11-19T21:22:00.000-08:00

you know what i complain about lately in prayer? its not about work. its not about daily life. its not about money or people, its much deeper than that. what if i'm destined to be alone? what if through all the dating, falling in love, breaking hearts, heartbreaks, falling out of love, and just utter ignorance of not feeling what i tell my heart to feel, what if through it all i'm just not meant for love? i don't know. i find it hard to believe that i wouldn't be meant for love. i mean i have a huge heart to give. but, what if? what if the life i see for myself is just one i'll never actually realistically live? i can't imagine my whole life alone. i mean i like being alone, but at the end of the day, two are better than one. Ecclesiastes 4:10

i want to get know someone, inside and out. i want to watch their hair turn gray. i want to hear them complaining about their jeans getting too small, and then when they're older, about their jeans being too long. i want to watch them grow old, and i want to be there holding their hand every step of the way. is this too much to ask these days? do people no longer want to grow old together? i wonder.

it's been awhile..

2009-11-08T11:19:00.000-08:00

So I haven’t been writing that much lately, I wouldn’t say it’s writer’s block, but I just haven’t had that much to tell. I moved back from Korea in a whirlwind, and since I’ve been home, life hasn’t really slowed down till recently. The man I met in thailand, well he moved here from Holland temporarily for us to be together. It was really so we could date, and we did and it didn’t work out. He was supposed to stay till Christmas, but actually left last week. I know things with us just weren’t what we expected, and since we thought we were in love, well let’s just say you can’t trust emotions. And I have to go with my what my heart tells me, regardless of how hard that is to say sometimes.

Life is crazy when you think about it. All of my life I have been waiting for the man of my dreams, I mean really I will wait forever if I have to, he might not even be in this lifetime. And I don’t mean he has to be tall, good looking, and perfect, absolutely not, I mean the man of MY dreams, the one that changes my life to the point of no return. So here this man moves across the world to be with me, I think this is the sweetest, nicest thing any man has ever done for me, and it truly is. But then he gets here, and it’s not even easy to be together. We barely even knew each other. We tried to get to know each other, but there were a thousand misunderstandings, I mean daily. Sure we had good nights, or even a good couple days, but when you’re in the honeymoon stages of a relationship, you’re supposed to have good weeks. So we break up, move him out of the house he was living in, take him to the airport, and here’s what happens. We get to the airport and we both start crying like it’s the end of the world. Neither one of us can figure out why, but we’re bawling. I drove off and had to pull over on my way home to try and catch my breath. I then drove straight to the movie theatre to get my mind off of him and onto another topic. So why did this happen? Why did we feel so in love and then feel so suffocated and then feel so sad? How could that be? I keep thinking maybe its because we know we’ll never see each other again. Maybe it’s because we live with an ocean between us. Or maybe it’s because we were in love, and the circumstances were just really bad. I don’t know. But I guess what I’ve learned from this. Number one, love isn’t a fairytale, regardless of what we tell children when they’re growing up. Number two, you can’t trust your emotions or your feelings, you have to go with your gut. Number three, all you can do is love everyone, and hope that the right one feels it when you do. And lastly, I just want a good ol’ American man.

perception and communication issues lately? here's why..

2009-10-01T13:23:00.000-07:00

At 04:46 UT (Universal Time), on Monday, September 7th, 2009, Mercury the cosmic trickster turned retrograde at 6°13' Libra, in the sign of the Scales, sending communications, travel, appointments, mail and the www into a whirlwhind! The retro period began some days before the actual turning point (as Mercury slowed) and usually lasts for three weeks or so, until Sep. 29, when the Winged Messenger reaches his direct station. At this time he halts and begins his return to direct motion through the zodiac.

Not to worry, everything finally straightens out on October 18, as he passes the point where he first turned retrograde. Mercury normally turns retrograde three times a year, but this year he turns tail four times, which is unusual.

How this affects you.

In general, Mercury rules thinking and perception, processing and disseminating information and all means of communication, commerce, education and transportation. By extension, Mercury rules people who work in these areas, especially those who work with their minds or their wits: writers and orators, commentators and critics, gossips and spin doctors, teachers, travellers, tricksters and thieves.

Mercury retrograde gives rise to personal misunderstandings; flawed, disrupted, or delayed communications, negotiations and trade; glitches and breakdowns with phones, computers, cars, buses, and trains. And all of these problems usually arise because some crucial piece of information, or component, has gone astray or awry.

It is not exactly wise to make important decisions while Mercury is retrograde, since it is likely that such decisions will be clouded by misinformation, poor communication and careless thinking. Mercury is all about mental clarity and the power of the mind, so when Mercury is retrograde these intellectual characteristics tend to be less acute than usual, as the critical faculties are dimmed. Make sure you pay attention to the small print.

So, the key issue.

The key issue here is one of focus. Mercury's retro phase tends to bring unforeseen changes and blockages, but the aggravation and frustration that many of us experience during these periods is often due to our own inability to roll with the punches. Is this due to our ego-fixation?

Mercury sets out to restructure our thinking processes and for many of us this is painful and frustrating. Unresolved issues from the past tend to push themselves forward. Moreover, these experiences reveal flaws in our internal organisation as well as our external planning, which can make us feel foolish and inadequate.

As many of you know..our ability to think and perceive are our backbones of structure and communication. When these are under reconstruction per se, well there will be many miscommunications, misperceptions, or even feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. You may only experience one of two of these feelings, but they will greatly affect you during this time.

(Article facts courtesy of astrology.com)

just when you stop thinking..you think

2009-09-22T18:58:00.000-07:00

for the past 3 years i have been in and out of, well we'll call them "relationships" for the sake of my writing. truth be told, i don't think you can call talking on the phone, hanging out, drinking beer on the beach, eating, and going to bars an actual "relationship" but you know. my life has taken an irreversible turn in the past 2 months, one that will change my life forever. i can't say how it really happened, but i can say that i didn't see it coming. i fell for someone. someone that i wrote about before. and he's not just someone that i like, or someone that i love, he's changed my life. i know that some people say, life's short, and although that sounds clique, as you get older, you start to realize how true that is. life is short, and you only get one chance. you miss out on people, you miss out on opportunities, you wait for something to happen to make something else happen, and what ends up happening is that nothing you want to happen ever actually does. i don't really like those people, those ones that keep saying, i'm going to do this someday or i want to do this someday, or hopefully one day i can save enough to do this. you just have to go out on a limb, and make life happen. you can't sit around waiting for it to happen, or it never will.

fate or coincidence.

2009-08-17T02:29:00.000-07:00

usually i write about people, about life, about getting what you want, or even what you deserve. rarely do i write about truthful life events, things that actually happen on a daily basis. i leave that up to your curiousity. but today, today i will write about the things that happen with the lights on.

i went to thailand for 3 weeks, got back a few days ago. the trip was amazing and i met so many good people, strangers, new friends, acquaintances, old friends, people that speak a different language, and people that speak the same. i met people from Germany, Holland, Europe, India, America, Canada, Japan, Italy, France, and so on. i ended up traveling with a man from Holland, for the sake of the story, we will call him Arman. Arman is obviously Dutch, he speaks 4 languages, Dutch, English, German, and French, which was nice since i only speak one. i had plans to travel with a friend of mine from Korea, but it didn't work out very well in the beginning of travels, and once Arman and i laughed together for 3 hours, well i thought better with him.

you know those people, those people that you meet, that become a part of your life so unexpectedly, so quickly, that you almost forgot how it happened. but then there they are. every day. and you're so happy you met them. Arman and i met on a boat, on our way to Ko Phi Phi islands in Thailand. he was sitting alone, drinking Whiskey, and my friends and i were curious because we thought it was 80 proof. so after various looking back and forth at each other, i took the first step and sat down next to him on a step. he was nice, and kinda funny. and the whiskey was 80 proof. once we got off, i asked my travel partner if we could all get a room together, because it would be cheaper and he agreed. so we found a room, got ready for the night and went to the fire party on the beach. it was a blast. Arman came home at like 6am, and had a choice, lay in bed next to the pretty woman or lay in bed with a guy he just met yesterday. so obviously i woke up with him next to me. no big deal.

the following day we all hung out, had fun, relaxed, and then went to dinner. my travel partner and i were on the rocks, and Arman and i were laughing it off, but at the end of the night, Arman and i were out late together. and so when my travel partner woke up at 7am to leave for the day, needless to say we were still in sleeping mode. we went back to sleep, woke up hours later, and laughed all morning. just one of the best mornings i have ever had with someone, maybe ever. our jokes were ridiculous, and certainly only hysterical to the two of us, but i think thats what makes a good joke anyway.

our first day alone together, we went to Maya Bay, the Beach beach, where the movie with Leo was filmed. we rented a long tail boat, and spent 3 hours in the clear blue water. the day was beautiful, magnetic, and relaxing. we followed the good day, by a good night together, and went out and met people, making new friends, and of course laughing a lot. then we ended up traveling together to some other islands, and ended up really liking what we got to know about each other. i even got an infection on my right middle finger, filled up so much with puss i couldn't bend it. he used alcohol and a tissue at the restaurant we had dinner at, and squeezed all the bacteria out. it was the most painful thing i can remember, and i didn't cry when i got staples in my head. so you can only imagine. but he took care of me. when i needed it most.

lots of things happen when you travel. and when you least expect it, you meet someone that changes your life. Arman changed mine. he inspired me. inspired me to write, to care, to be myself, and to love. he looked at me after only a few days together, and seemed to know what i was thinking, or how i was feeling. he told me, "you brought me to myself" and the truth is, that's what he did for me.

we went our separate ways on a friday, time to get back to reality, and traveling. since we were clearly living in a fairytale land, not to say i didn't like it there, i did. but it was pretty intense being with someone you just met 24 hours a day as well. i went to Bangkok, and he went to Bali, Indonesia. i spent a couple days in Bangkok, and then booked an early flight back to Korea. I was sick of Bangkok and ready to sleep in a cozy bed to be honest. i was waiting for the bus to pick me up at the Wild Orchid Guesthouse all day. i was reading, writing, and finishing up a poem i started. i was thinking about Arman a lot that day, where he was, if he was having fun, and if it was possible that i would never see him again.

then a man sat down at the table next to me, we had seen each other a few times that day and neglected to say hello. he turned a little toward me, and i asked him if he was eating alone, so happened he was and so i asked him to join me. he sat down next to me, we asked where are you from? how long have you been here? the usual traveling questions. he was from Holland, and so i mentioned that i had been traveling with a man from Holland. he asked me where exactly, i told him the city, Delft. he couldn't believe it. then he asked the guys' name, and I told him Arman's full name. and i still have a hard time believing this, but god put one of his best friends from school in Delft Holland at a table next to me in Bangkok. so over the next 4 hours, his old friend and i told stories about our lives, about times with Arman, about the stories we knew of their mutual friends, and we laughed and ate dinner for hours. he hadn't seen Arman in years, and then saw him for the first time on a video on my camera.

so maybe this was a coincidence, or maybe everything in life is predestined. you just have to have faith. all i know is, there are 10 million people in Bangkok, and the only one in the city that could relate to me about who i was thinking of, sat down next to me and offered to buy me dinner. i believe in coincidences, but not ones that defy the laws of logic.

To Know Thee

2009-08-15T23:01:00.000-07:00

by Toni Duckworth

Tell thee
Tell thy soul your darkest secrets, so that I may know the truth of thy existence
Trust thee
Trust that thy yearning of said truths will not render thy faithfulness of my heart
Know thee
Know in the smallest corners of the very depths of my soul
Know that I will not fault thy love over ignorance, petty crimes or past failures
Know that thy promises to you, my love, are genuine, sincere and eternal
Just as I sacrifice thy heart for said truths
I ask thee love
Sacrifice thee
To love me
Completely

August 11 2009

it is what it is

2009-07-16T22:00:00.000-07:00

"Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience." - Bill Watterson

do you ever sit in front of someone and hear every word, yet not having listened to a single word? it's difficult not to with some people, especially if you're talking to someone with a low English level, that says the same easy words two or three times for you to "understand".

but then there are other people in your life, people that you could listen to speak for hours. their words float right through, like a window into your soul, you understand them, you appreciate them, you let them affect you, and you don't want them to stop speaking. i know someone that i haven't spoken to in person for over a year, we live in separate countries, but when we talk, we can actually take turns. there are no awkward interruptions, or silences, or misunderstandings. we can finish each other sentences. speaking to him is an out of body experience, i can see myself following his words, his stories, his heart, and resting in those words. it's not very often that two souls connect like this. it's rare. and when you feel this, and know this, that person's words come back to you all throughout your day, your life, your weakest or strongest moments, because that is your resting place, that is where you feel at home.

home is not in your mind. it's not in your house, it's not in your plush bed or your comfy couch, home really is in your heart. my 3 sisters got me a ring before i came to live in Korea, and on the inside it is inscribed "home is in your heart" - and they're right, it is. at first, you think, no, home is this city, or this house, but that's just where you live and where you sleep. home is in the journey. all the loves you've had, you've lost, you've let go, you've kept. home is found buried deep in your heart, in your soul, where you find your passions, where you see faces that are yet to exist, where you rest. find that place if you've lost it. its a nice place to live.

do not despise the day of small beginnings...

2009-07-13T22:45:00.000-07:00

Dedicated to the most faithful woman I know, my mother.

Today began like any other, in the raining season here in Korea. I woke up and turned off my alarm, 5 consecutive times, and then woke up in time to throw on some jeans, my glasses, toss my hair up, grab the umbrella, and walk in the rain to the bus stop. And you wonder why my life theory is “rushing to a red light”? Sometimes that means rushing to wait for the bus, sometimes that means rushing to work to sit at my desk, sometimes that means rushing to a date with the wrong man, sometimes that means rushing home to no one, and sometimes that means rushing through life for nothing. We all rush for nothing, and sometimes we don’t even know we’re doing it. But once we crawl into bed at night and our brains finally relax and our bodies finally fall into sleep, we get up the following day and do it all over again.

Do not despise the day of small beginnings.

I want your life to be abundant. I want your life to be fulfilled. But living abundantly cannot be measured in money, cars, things, or how each day starts. Living abundantly is in the small beginnings, in the unspoken epiphanies you have all throughout your life. So your day starts with green tea and an apple? At least your day started. So your day started with toast and coffee? You know how many people can’t afford to buy coffee? I’m just simply saying, the things we think matter, they don’t usually matter in the big picture. The perfections you spend your life chasing, will probably come crashing down at some point. You will have no one to blame but yourself for your unhappiness, or better yet, for your happiness.

To live abundantly is not easy. You must put yourself second. You must recognize the needs and faults of others, as well as the needs and faults within yourself. You must understand that the earth does not rotate because you command it to do so, it does because someone higher, and much more powerful, has commanded it to do so. And to you, that’s a blessing. At some point, you will start to understand that life, well it just is. It’s not a race, there are no misunderstandings, there is only love, and hope. You hope that you have a job, that you have a place to sleep, that you have a family, and that you get to wake up and come home every day. Then the only other responsibility you have, is to love. You love your life, your family, your friends, your work, and most importantly, you love yourself. The reason that’s the most important, is because think of what you do with anything you love, you take care of it. Just like the people you love, you take care of them. You must love yourself in order to take care of yourself. If you don’t love yourself, your life will not be abundant. Your life will not be fulfilled. Your life will feel empty, YOU will feel empty.

So do yourself a favor, live abundantly. Take the time to go outside at night and spend 15 minutes treasuring the stars. Take the time to sit down and relax, no iPod, no TV, no cell phone, no laptop, no camera, take a break from this hustle bustle. Appreciate the beauty in nature. Relax. Appreciate the rain. Take 3 deep breaths when you lay down at night. Appreciate ice cold water, seriously, ice is pretty rare where I currently live. But no really, live abundantly. And smile, because your soul is smiling at you.

skepticism versus beliefs

2009-06-28T21:39:00.000-07:00

"Skepticism breeds failure, while belief leads to success."

I love this quote, because it is so true. Everyone wants so desperately to question, question why things happen, why things don’t happen, why good people get hurt, why bad people succeed, why are we here, and why is someone else dead? Why? Why? Why? Skepticism does lead to failure, its not a straight path, and you may find success along the way, but it does not make this life bearable. Some of the most defining people in history were skeptics, some were not. But those who had beliefs, beliefs that led them, passionate, even ignorant beliefs, in something greater than themselves, those people left this world a success. They did not question their lives or the lives of others. They chose to make this life a journey, a success in and of itself. My father once told me, "I would rather believe there is a Heaven and it not exist, then not believe, to find out that it does."

There are so many quotes, and you really should find the ones that suit you, or intrigue you, and use them. There is a lot to be said about your current surroundings. Have you ever looked at a picture of someone that you lost and cried? Have you ever looked at a picture of someone you love and smiled? Those are not coincidences. There is an energy in the things you see and surround yourself with. I guarantee you that if you framed all the pictures of every ex you have, and every person you have lost, and every thing you miss. Then placed them around your work and your house, after a couple days you would be feeling pretty down and miserable. But if you surround yourself with life, flowers, love quotes, pictures that make you smile inside, and all the like, you will begin to smile, from the inside out. What we need to realize, understand, and accomplish as humans is simple, our insides are more important than our outsides.

Somewhere along the line, in this world full of judgement and photoshopping, we were fooled into thinking that our outsides matter more. But they don’t. A grateful, humble, and forgiving heart will spread more beauty than any perfect figured woman, or million dollar home ever could. And I don’t know when this stopped being taught. I don’t know when children starting thinking that clothes and cars and money were something more to smile about, but they’re not. You come into this world naked, with nothing, and when you leave, you take nothing with you. It is normal to enjoy the small pleasures in life, we all should, and we all do. But to take advantage of this world for its pleasures, to sin against the very earth for our own selfish habitual desires, is wrong. There is a line not to be crossed, hopefully you find it soon enough to save yourself.

If we have something to repair, something that needs some working on, it is our hearts. It’s the way we view each other. I used to resent people like Donald Trump, or Oprah Winfrey, I used to think how is it that they have all that money and only share it with a select group? When there are millions of people in this world struggling to buy groceries, or struggling to pay bills? But then I realized something, the majority of us are given that chance. Oprah didn’t wake up with a billion dollars, she followed her dreams, her passions, and her heart led her to her career. I can only imagine the road she took had roadblocks and obstacles that only someone as passionate as her could get through. That is the thing about life. Michael Jordan once said, “If you're trying to achieve, there will be roadblocks. I've had them; everybody has had them. But obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it." So many of us turn around, give up, see one obstacle and choose failure. Obstacles are there to make you stronger, to build your strengths, and to rid you of your weaknesses. Use them to your advantage.

in this world...of this world?

2009-06-04T23:35:00.000-07:00

it breaks my heart the way some people take some sort of personal responsibility for the evil doings of this world and of this society. Just because you are in this world, does not mean you are of this world. You see, you and I, all of us, we think alike, all the things you question, I question. All the anger you have, I’ve had or will have. You see life is not supposed to be a bed of roses, if it were, when would you ever stop to smell them? I have sinned, a lot. I have lied, made stupid decisions, given small parts of myself to those unworthy, I have done so many stupid things, if I told all of them you might think I’m just as horrible as your worst enemy. However in God’s eyes, every sin is the same, no one sin worst than the other. And our lives, well... our lives are merely a glimpse. Those that lived before us and those that may live after us, all lives are over in the blink of an eye.

“Just think, you’re here not by chance, but by God’s choosing, His hand formed you and made you the person you are. He compares you to no one else-you are one of a kind. You lack nothing that His grace cannot grant you. He has allowed you to be here at this time in history to fulfill His special purpose for this generation.” – Roy Lessin

What you should get from this. And reread it if you need to, but what people don’t understand is that questioning and judging and searching, you could spend your whole life asking why? But is that any way to live? Are you doing that now? You might want to ask yourself that. If you can walk, talk, breathe without help, hear sounds, have all your fingers, all your organs, are healthy, well that makes you more blessed than a significant minority. I guess I just don’t see where the disconnect is with some people. What is it that makes any one life so much more difficult than anyone elses?

An old close friend of mine wrote me the other day, “I do believe there is good. I do believe in love. I do believe in you and people like you. But unless a wave of hope and passion for others hits this human race like an epidemic then I'm afraid I'll have to admit that I've given up on salvation and convinced myself that this thing was never worth living. It is their eyes Toni. I can't look at their eyes any longer. It burns cause I promised for years that it would get better and love would prevail. What the hell happened here? I know God is the majestic sea and the beauty within. I know this. I know even looking at a blade of grass can astonish an attentive person in search of wrapping God around their body like a warm blanket but it just isn't reality when your back is to the sea and you have to see those eyes stare murder into your soul!! Where is this God? Is a blessing something to keep us alive between tragedies?”

I told him, I understand your point, is a blessing something to keep us alive between tragedies, and in some ways blessings are. But when you have faith in something outside of your control, when you know that you know that its not your job to control the world, you start realizing that the only thing in your control, is you. and so you make decisions that make you happy, not decisions that seize your thirst for instant gratification, but right decisions, I call these decisions, spontaneous right actions. Once you start making decisions like this..you start living in such a way that to me, makes sense. And I live for the love of life, the love of people, to see someone smile, to save someone from pain, to make someone feel happy. I think its the only way worth living.

be the change..

2009-05-31T19:22:00.000-07:00

"be the change you want to see in the world" - Mahatma Gandhi

I had a lovely weekend, traditional korean festivals, ladies talk, sandy beach time, drinking wine by the river at sunset, watching the overcast slowly cover the mountain tops, taking the brightness away from us, and graciously giving us the dark. the world is our beautiful playground. when you stop focusing on what the world can do for you, what others can do for you, what people have done or have not done for you, you forget something, YOU can be the light. you can be the change. if you want to see more love, love more. if you want to see more laughter, laugh more. if you want to see more innocence, be innocent. if you want to see more forgiveness, forgive more. if you want to see more faith, be faithful. this is common sense. something we are all guilty of ignoring, but something we must learn to accept.

"Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense." - Gertrude Stein

I am sure you are aware of what i'm talking about. so today, if you do nothing else, do this, "be the change you want to see in the world" - love someone, forgive someone, have faith in the unknown. sacrifice your intelligence for some common sense, and start smiling on the inside, because you are in for a treat.

seize the day.

matters of the heart..

2009-05-31T17:55:00.000-07:00

The harsh reality of life is like waking up unclothed and not knowing why. This analogy is what separates us from the animals, we actually don’t know. I hate to say that none of us know, but we don’t. We contemplate our emotions as if they define us. We contemplate our feelings as if they control us. We contemplate our daily routines, as if changing it will make us better, or worst, or thinner, or fatter, or less emotional, or more emotional, or whatever. But we contemplate matters of the heart so flawlessly?

I doubt it.

We are so full of flaws regarding matters of the heart that if we actually took the time to write all of them down, we would probably need to be sedated and checked in to wherever Lindsay Lohan disappears to twice a year. Self sufficiency is about as over rated as Borat was, and I am not kidding.

So while on the subject, if we are going to fix our love lives, we must first determine what is wrong with them. Get out a piece of paper and a pen and write down every single thing you do wrong in your personal and intimate relationships. You must understand that friendships are matters of the heart as well, so include anything you do wrong in your friendships and intimate relationships. For examples, I have included what I do wrong in my relationships below, just to give you an idea.

I am too demanding.
I expect too much out of everyone.
I fall in love too fast.
I think I am always right, and if I’m not, they’re still wrong.
I don’t like to drive the car after I eat a big meal.
I only know what I have once I have lost it.
I appreciate honesty, but I think white lies are sometimes okay.

Now make your list. It can be shorter or longer, but you must at least make one….

Now take a look at your list and checkmark the two issues that you think need to be handled first. This may be very difficult for some people and very easy for others, but we must all start somewhere. Now these are the two things you are going to work on for at least two weeks. You must focus all of your energy and attention to committing yourself to the adverse of the issue. Whenever you find yourself falling back into the bad habit, you must work that much harder on correcting it.

This may seem like a simple exercise at first, but it is actually an extremely complex one to overcome. Recognizing flaws in yourself can be simple, but actually committing yourself to change these flaws and become a better person is much more challenging.

Original date: March 26 2008

counting down the hours..

2009-05-20T02:31:00.000-07:00

I would state, with much certainty, that most of us sit at work from 9-5 counting down the hours. Sometimes two hours feels like ten, and sometimes eight feels like one. Perception is everything. Just think of some of the people you work with. Think of the ones that are there when you get there and there when you leave. Some of them do this for money, some do this for pride, some do this because they have nowhere else to go, and some do this because they think they have to.

The harsh reality here is that no two people do anything for the exact same reasons.

We can easily relate this to our personal lives. You may be in a great relationship, you may even be in love, the reality is that both of you are in it for two totally different reasons. The women are usually in it for love, companionship, hopefully marriage and children someday. The men are there for sex, home-cooked meals, and hopefully love and companionship as well. Although lets not be too down with love, and too hard on men. Some men really want love. But the imbalance between the men that want love and the women that need love is astounding. Options are inevitably appealing these days. Some truly believe the grass is always greener, even when its not. If a man is not happy with his wife, what does he do? He gets a new one. Not happy with his job, gets a new one. Not happy with his car, gets a new one. Us women of course do this as well, but the availability of these options is much more prevalent among the male population. I think we all want to believe that this is not true, this is a complete fabrication of total bull shit. Seriously though, it is true. And even though we want to blame men for all of this, and trust me we do, we are still both guilty. Look at the below statistic.

"Fifty percent of first marriages, 67 percent of second and 74 percent of third marriages end in divorce, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri."

This may or may not be a valid statistic today, as it is from a 2003 report. However, think of this. Think of how easy it is to just change your mind. I mean we're talking about marriage here, not your Friday night wardrobe. I think we need to question ourselves, our integrity, our ability to commit, or our inability for that matter. This society is only as strong as its contents, as you and me. We make up these statistics, then we complain about them. We have to question our decisions, now more than ever. Why do you want kids? Why do you want a husband? Why do you want a Mercedes? Why ? Why? Why? Okay, so we know why you want a Mercedes, let's toss that one aside for the time being. But the issue here is that when you go into something, no matter how sure or unsure you are, you must ask yourself why. Treat it like a business decision. Is there more pros than cons? Will this make you more or less successful as a person? Are you ready for this decision? Is this the right decision? The answers to these questions may make or break the decision, but if you don't question how your decisions will affect your life and the lives of the people around you - well that's just plain carelessness.

love letters by beethoven

2009-05-10T07:33:00.001-07:00

The First Letter
July 6, in the morning
My angel, my all, my very self - Only a few words today and at that with pencil (with yours) - Not till tomorrow will my lodgings be definitely determined upon - what a useless waste of time - Why this deep sorrow when necessity speaks - can our love endure except through sacrifices, through not demanding everything from one another; can you change the fact that you are not wholly mine, I not wholly thine - Oh God, look out into the beauties of nature and comfort your heart with that which must be - Love demands everything and that very justly - thus it is to me with you, and to your with me. But you forget so easily that I must live for me and for you; if we were wholly united you would feel the pain of it as little as I - My journey was a fearful one; I did not reach here until 4 o'clock yesterday morning. Lacking horses the post-coach chose another route, but what an awful one; at the stage before the last I was warned not to travel at night; I was made fearful of a forest, but that only made me the more eager - and I was wrong. The coach must needs break down on the wretched road, a bottomless mud road. Without such postilions as I had with me I should have remained stuck in the road. Esterhazy, traveling the usual road here, had the same fate with eight horses that I had with four - Yet I got some pleasure out of it, as I always do when I successfully overcome difficulties - Now a quick change to things internal from things external. We shall surely see each other soon; moreover, today I cannot share with you the thoughts I have had during these last few days touching my own life - If our hearts were always close together, I would have none of these. My heart is full of so many things to say to you - ah - there are moments when I feel that speech amounts to nothing at all - Cheer up - remain my true, my only treasure, my all as I am yours. The gods must send us the rest, what for us must and shall be - Your faithful LUDWIG.

The Second Letter
Evening, Monday, July 6
You are suffering, my dearest creature - only now have I learned that letters must be posted very early in the morning on Mondays to Thursdays - the only days on which the mail-coach goes from here to K. - You are suffering - Ah, wherever I am, there you are also - I will arrange it with you and me that I can live with you. What a life!!! thus!!! without you - pursued by the goodness of mankind hither and thither - which I as little want to deserve as I deserve it - Humility of man towards man - it pains me - and when I consider myself in relation to the universe, what am I and what is He - whom we call the greatest - and yet - herein lies the divine in man - I weep when I reflect that you will probably not receive the first report from me until Saturday - Much as you love me - I love you more - But do not ever conceal yourself from me - good night - As I am taking the baths I must go to bed - Oh God - so near! so far! Is not our love truly a heavenly structure, and also as firm as the vault of heaven?

The Third Letter
July 7
Good morning, Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved. ever thine ever mine ever ours

*Background: After Beethoven's death in March 1827 two documents were discovered in his desk. These were the Heiligenstadt Testament and the love letters shown above. The passionate feelings manifested in these letters where addressed to a person unknown. Many have speculated over whom might be the recipient, made more difficult by the fact that there is no year or place given on the letters. But Solomon, following Beethoven's date on the letters, his movement during the period (1812) and studying the persons close to Beethoven, has come to the solution that Antoine Brentano must be the answer, now generally accepted as being correct.

may 5 2009

2009-05-05T04:08:00.000-07:00

"If we were to wake up some morning and find that everyone was the same race, creed and color, we would find some other cause for prejudice by noon." - George Aiken

the other night i was talking to a korean girlfriend of mine here that has an American boyfriend. she has been dealing with all different sorts of prejudice, stares, mocking, snide comments, and even her father refuses to meet this guy. i know the guy as well, he is a really good guy, and the couple couldn't be more in love. i mean today he told a story about popping her pimples, and how much he likes doing it. thats just grossly in love.

when i lived back home, a best friend of mine who was white, had a black boyfriend, and they had heaps of issues. the father wouldn't meet the guy, and refused to accept them as a couple. it was only after two years and a baby girl later, that the father finally accepted him. and now her father wonders why he never did, they are very close now, and the guy is his soon-to-be son in law. but why must it take so long to accept people who are not like you? and we're not talking solely about race, what about the surface judgements we make, we don't like the same movies, we don't like the same food, we don't laugh at the same jokes, we don't live in the same country, we don't speak the same language... are we all really so perfectly satisfied with ourselves that a cynical judgement based on our own opinionated views can determine someone else's character? we all mess up, a lot. and we all at some point in our lives have given a good judgement on an undeserved individual with bad character, and vice versa. so i guess what i'm saying is, why all the uneducated personal attacks? some people attack others as a means of justifying their own sinful nature, some people attack others out of jealousy, and some people attack others maliciously. the point, no two people do anything for the exact same reasons.

very true in every context, however relationally, you have to ask yourself, is this person someone worth keeping in my life? do their surface judgements and cynical thinking and shaky motives undermine my greatest strength, my intuition? sometimes i ask myself that.

i'm not always comfortable on the surface. i try to be. i can fit in. i can make people laugh. i can act like a complete idiot just to see someone smile, but all in all, i'm more comfortable on a much deeper level. i like to read people. i like to figure them out. i like to understand them and their intentions. i like to know what their thoughts are, and if their thoughts are in line with their actions. some people say i care too much, and maybe i do, but i suppose thats better than not caring at all.

we all could find a reason to hate someone. its much more difficult to find a reason to love. but as they always say, everything worth doing is harder before its easier, if it wasn't, everyone else would be doing it...

if you want to lead, serve

2009-04-29T21:35:00.000-07:00

i thought of this the other day...if you want to lead, serve, if you want to be praised, kneel down, if you want to be loved, love. seems so simple in writing. but its so hard sometimes in real life.

sometimes you don't want to serve, you just want to lead and people to shut up and follow. and sometimes you don't have the desire or the discipline to kneel down, so you wander around standing tall, above those that could praise you, or love you, or even serve you. but what makes the most sense, is if you want to be loved, all you have to do is give love. i am not going to lie, for the most part i have been a taker in my relationships, i give presents, surprises, hugs and kisses, dinner, even letters, but what i don't really give, is my heart, my love. i think i drain people. and then i wonder why i want out, or why they want out, or why both of us are just kind of going thru the motions, truth is, i have never truly given anyone all my love, all my heart. of course i have with my family, but thats different. what i'm referring to is the relationships that are unfamiliar, pun intended.

so here it is, from now on, with all readers as my witness, i am going to be a giver. whether or not that means i have to show love when i feel i cannot, or i have to do lots of things i may not want to do at first, or whether or not that means i might get hurt, a lot. i don't care. i want to take my own advice, so good at giving it, so bad at taking it. but seriously, i am going to focus on this. i need to. i've always prided myself in being a forgiver, but now is my turn to be a giver. "If you want to help yourself, don't focus on yourself." - C.S. Lewis was a smart man

korea is fabulous today. all of my classes have been cancelled, and i have one class in an hour, then i leave for the day. the interesting thing about korea, you never know when an average day could become way better than average, and you never know when a good day..well you get the idea. i love it.

i have korean classes tonight after school. i should be studying right now. but i keep studying and all the characters ㅜ ㅗ ㅏ ㅑ ㄷ ㅈ ㅔ ㄱㄲ ㅆ ㅇㄴ ㅊ ㅌ well they were all starting to look alike, seriously. my name in korean: 토 니 i know toni is a short word, but its an accomplishment to be able to type and know what i'm typing. my dad, gene: 진 his is easy. and my oldest sister, gina: 지 너 mom, debbie: 다 비 sister, courtney: i can't do hers, because they don't have an "or" sound. and my little sister, chelsea: 찰 시 wow that was an experience. and sorry to bore you, but i need the practice.

i am reading a book right now, for the second time. it is called "undressed" by jason illian, great book actually. the author is a christian, but his viewpoints on love, sex, and dating, well they are based on various experiences from people with morals, to people without morals, people with beliefs, to people without beliefs, people with sense, to people without sense, people with money, to people without money, with or without parents, with or without friends, with or without faith, you get the idea. and i hope i am not the first person telling you this little secret, but we are all more alike than one might think. we always have been. some people replace love with sex, some people replace sex with love, and some people can't even tell the difference. but what it boils down to, is that if you don't have love, if you can't think of a single person that loves you, you're lost. you're a puppy without a home. and i know i've said this before, but no one will ever find you if you're lost, you have to find yourself first, love yourself first, then..and only then, may others be able to find you...love you. and instead of rescuing you, possibly even fall with you...

April 22 2009

2009-04-22T02:06:00.000-07:00

to my family and friends back home..

as each of you know, from your experiences with me, i am a stubborn, assertive, bold, strong, consistently right (hahaha), and obviously still humorous, young lady. but i will tell you this. living overseas isn't for pansies. some days you don't want to work. some days you just want to be able to call and hear a recognizable voice on the other end. some days you love your life. some days you are so happy to work, so happy to see your students smiling because of you, so happy that you live a five minute walk to the ocean. but in the back of your mind, its always lingering, it would be nice to share this with the people i love. the couples here, well they have it a bit easier, they are sharing this with someone they love. i mean in some ways its an extended vacation while earning money. but for those of us singles, well, it can be quite hectic, even lonely. i am fortunate enough to live in a town with a lot of good friends, activities, the mountains, the beach, the downtown, the market, the food town, and so on. mom and dad - you would love the lighthouses out on the piers, they are really pretty. but see, those are the things that i wish i could share with you, if only you were here.

and so in lots of ways i am torn. for the first time in awhile, i love my environment, i love my surroundings, i feel safe, and i have job security. its a nice feeling to have, they actually want me to stay and teach forever. back home, it was a daily occurence to see people laid off or not working at all, and so its encouraging to be saving money and working in a job i am passionate about. we all know i am not here just for the money, but to pay off college debts. and i wish we didn't have to spend 40 hours a week for any colored paper that we must use in exchange for shelter and food, but we do. its pathetic, but its also a part of life.

you all should know, i am now a vegetarian. don't be weirded out, i am doing this mainly for health reasons, and because i really don't trust the meats over here. so wish me luck. it should be a smooth transition, since i was only a fish and chicken eater when i came here.

so...i hope to find my purpose. i hope to become an author. i hope to continue to touch lives. and in the meantime. i miss you all. greatly and dearly. please be thinking of me, as you are thought of just as often.

if you ever need a helping hand...

2009-04-22T01:20:00.001-07:00

something i think we all need to realize. if you ever need a helping hand, you can find one at the end of your arm.

i am sitting at a cute, quaint coffee shop in south korea. alone. writing. drinking iced green tea. studying korean. the coffee shop is painted in a calm burnt yellow, with a welcoming country feel to it. there are live plants all throughout, wooden tables, unmatching seat cushions, unmatching chairs, some wooden tables are long enough for 12 and some only seat 2. there is a dark wooden, soft looking piano to the left of the counter. the counter was constructed completely by hand and carved out of a light, unstained and unfinished wood. behind the counter are two women, one in her early 30s and the other in her late 40s, both fashionably dressed, kind, and generous. i have been sitting here for over an hour, and neither one has stopped working, but there are only 2 other customers. they are cleaning, washing, reorganizing, as if they cannot stop to take a minute to chat about their day or complain about their life. its actually extremely refreshing to watch them work in the manner they do.

there is a short swinging door that reminds me of wooden shutters, that allows them entry to and from the counter. there is "india arie" playing softly on the stereo, with tall speakers laid on their sides, as opposed to upright. behind this is a glass room with books lining the unfinished wooden shelves, along with two tables, one round table and one long table with an attached wooden bench. the books are collections, as well as the small, thoughtfully placed collections of cows, fish, roosters, angels, and flowers. reminds me a lot of the collections my elders keep back home in america. strange. worlds apart, cultures clashing, yet collections almost identical. this place is warm, delightful, bright, magnetic, and if we all spent as much time perfecting our work, our art, our environment, as the women behind the counter obviously have, we might all feel more comfortable. this place makes me feel like home. i really like it.

some people think that your life chooses you, that most things are predestined, are going to happen, whether or not you pray or wish upon them. others think that you choose your life, that everything you have chosen eventually comes full circle with what you desire, that your predestination is the destination you envisioned and you created.

i believe life happens somewhere in the midst of those two. whilst i believe that your destiny is inevitable, i also believe that you are capable of creating your own life, that you must act upon your visions, that your actions must be working toward your desires. if you desire nothing, you will have nothing. if you desire everything, you will probably have nothing as well. but if you desire a life with a mixture of pleasure and reality, purpose and play, honesty and passion, friendships and relationships, well you might find yourself on a path toward happiness. of course happiness to me may not be happiness to you. happiness to you may mean living on room service for the rest of your life. happiness to me might mean a husband and kids. and happiness to the next reader might mean freedom from all vices. but happiness, it is not found in the pursuit, it is found in the will, the choice, the daily spontaneity, it is found on the path.

so i suppose there is only one question you must ask yourself, which path are you on? have you travelled too long to remember? is the path old, beaten, and unrecognizable? if so, you might want to try a different one. sometimes risking your sanity makes way for your life. you just never know.

month four sucks...

2009-04-13T04:32:00.000-07:00

all of the sudden you wake up one day, somewhere between 3-6 months, and you think to yourself..."oh, wow, i live in korea" - its very strange. and it happened to me last week. my mind has been wondering ever since then, about the most strange random happenings. for one, what do i really want to do after this? there are so many things i could do. i could travel somewhere else, teach somewhere else, get my masters in psych and become a marriage and divorce counselor, get certified to teach in america, finish my book here and continue to work toward becoming an author, blah blah blah.

for two, i thought of this. i love children. if i want to smile all day long, and i do, i could move home to america and teach kindergarden students. that would be so cute. and so fun.

for three, have you ever realized this? realized that your parents, years before they even knew you, they loved you? they wanted you, they yearned for you, they even thought of you? the older i get and more i think about having children someday when i grow up, i think of that. and i think, the love of a parent, is there a stronger bond in the world? it amazes me. if i ever children, and i hope i do, i know this is true. because i already love them.

i also thought today a lot about our determined purpose. if our purpose is to love, help others, and treat others in a selfless, sacrificial manner, then if we did this, would the world still be in the utter tormoil its in? if we followed the rules, would every soul be wandering around lost, tainted, and distant? who are you to be so easily distracted by the concepts of this messy society? what separates you from the animals? is there anything?

last week another dating situation failed, not to say that i put very much faith into it working, my best friend here in korea would even say "my intuition proved to be completely accurate" - he was a deceptive liar, but that is not the point. why are we not in this together? why do we fight alone? the biggest difference between korea and america, and please someone correct me if i'm wrong, but americans are individualists, we are forced to be. we compete for everything, and we dont help each other through, we encourage the race, and all of the competing every race entails. its not all bad, i am very competitive, and a good race or competition is frequently needed. but when is enough enough? is climbing over people for our own selfish inconsistencies appropriate? i don't understand why that behavior is encouraged, but it is. when a person hurts another person, do you encourage the pain? or do you stand up for what you believe in?

in business, is there a second place anymore? in life, is there a second place or just a winner and a loser? in love, is the grass always greener? will you ever be content on one side of the fence? so many people do one of two things, they either sit on the fence, making absolutely nothing happen in business, life or love, or they go back and forth. hopping from side to the other, hoping that eventually they will find something better on the other side. i say, good luck. what you saw last time, is the same dying brown grass you went after last year. now is the time to plant your own seeds. to build your own pasture. stop waiting for life to happen to you. you have the power to make your life what you want it to be. and those who don't understand this, well, all i can say is what my best friend kim would say, "when we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves..."

octopus negotiations...

2009-03-30T02:51:00.000-07:00

because who would pay more than 80,000 Won for a octopus they dont absolutely love??

February 25, 2009

2009-03-30T01:51:00.000-07:00

I had orientation the past 5 days and 4 nights. We stayed at the Oseak Green Yard Hotel in Yang Yang, it was gorgeous, and a lot of fun. I made some good friends, had a lot of fun, and the first day, we did "Free Hugs" - I made a sign that read Free Hugs on cardboard and my new hotel roommates, Candice and Angela, we hugged strangers as they walked into dinner. It was a lot of fun. At any rate, here is a video of some of my new friends, and some korean culture. Enjoy!

February 6, 2009

2009-02-07T21:09:00.000-08:00

Trip to Seoul on a Whim

So I woke up this past Tuesday, decided I need to see more and travel more of Korea. I worked out, packed my back pack, and was on my way. I stayed with my friend Bill, he is a hagwon teacher in Seoul, really nice guy, and he has an extra room. So that works out great for me. And for him because I’m a good roommate that makes him Jello. Tuesday night when i got in, we went to wing night. Another friend of ours, Rob, met me near the subway to show me how to get there. It was so nice of him. Then we went to wing night, pitchers of beer and hot wings. I hadn't had hot wings in so long. They were soooo good. By the end of the night we were playing pool at another place and I made an extremely good shot sinking the 8 ball and winning for my team. It was a pretty fun night.

The next day, a friend of mine, Hyunwoo Nam, took me to the National Museum of Korea. It was amazing. It is 3 stories of history, so we didn’t even make it through the whole thing. We also had to take 2 breaks from walking, it was that huge. One break though was for tea. I tried the peppermint tea, not really a fan. I do have a rather growing obsession with Ginger tea however. It is also very good for health purposes. Ginger, the underground stem, or rhizome, of the plant Zingiber officinale has been used as a medicine in Asian, Indian, and Arabic herbal traditions since ancient times. In China, for example, ginger has been used to aid digestion and treat stomach upset, diarrhea, and nausea for more than 2,000 years. Since ancient times, ginger has also been used to help treat arthritis, colic, and heart conditions. In addition to these medicinal uses, ginger continues to be valued around the world as an important cooking spice and is believed to help the common cold, flu-like symptoms, headaches, and even painful menstrual periods. Native to Asia where its use as a culinary spice spans at least 4,400 years, ginger grows in fertile, moist, tropical soil.1 I had the stomach flu last weekend, I drank 5 glasses of ginger tea, the only thing I could keep down by the way, and the next morning it was gone. I woke up feeling great and I thought I would be sick for at least a couple days. Back to point, pictures of the museum are below.

I am very pleased with my trip to Seoul. I did lots of hiking and seeing. I saw the Buddhist Temple with 3 huge gold painted statues within. I even took a spirit photo. My grandma Gerry, AKA Grandma Fairy, believes in angels, which is why I believe in angels. A lot of people say that you can take photos and sometimes catch an angel or some sort of spirit in it. This temple was surrounded by at least a thousand people praying and singing, and I guarantee you there were angels there. And there was no shadowing and not another single photo with a smudge in the whole bunch. This is definitely a spirit photo.

1 February, 2009: http://www.umm.edu/altmed/articles/ginger-000246.htm

January 21, 2009

2009-01-28T03:44:00.000-08:00

Today I took my students on a movie field trip day! It was a really good day. We met at the theatre at 9:30AM to see "Yes Man" with Jim Carrey, who by the way is from Toronto Canada. It was a really good movie. My students loved the movie. Afterwards I kept asking them questions and told them they had to say "yes" - it was pretty funny. Such as, "you want to go to lunch? you want to eat a horse? you want a boyfriend? you want me to pay for lunch? you want to teach the class tomorrow?" etc...they were laughing quite a bit. i cut up apples and brought bowls for all of us to eat during the movie. then afterward we went and ate "duk-galbi" which is chicken, kimche, rice cake, and vegetables in one big huge skillet pot that is cooked right in front of you. it was delicious. then we went shopping in downtown sokcho, it was a really good day. they said it was their favorite day of school. so cute. i also got a hand written letter from one of my students. her name is Su-mi. this is what the letter says,

"To my nice teacher,

Hello Toni. My name is Su-mi Lee. I will keep this memory of the winter camp with Toni. You are friendlier than I thought. You have had a good influence on us. Thank you very much. You gave us a lot of confidence. I like English. But English is very difficult. So I'm anxious about it. However thanks to your class, my English skill is improving. If I meet a foreigner, I can speak English well. We met 3 weeks ago, but it was time to say good bye. I'm sad. It is a good experience to me. This vacation was really meaningful. I feel satisfied. But I have two weeks. So I will study English hard during this vacation for my future, dream, and me.

Health is the most precious of all. Be healthy always. I hope all of your wishes come true. May you be happy. We should think "Be positive." My phone number is 010-xxxx-xxxx. Send me a message, hello or how are you? Ummm, I really appreciate it! Bye, see you next time."

It was such a sweet note, written on pink stationary, with a glued picture of herself on the bottom of it. I love my girls. I'm going to miss my winter camp girls a lot. But what a great start here in Korea.

January 18, 2008

2009-01-18T05:32:00.000-08:00

i just got home from a very exciting weekend in Seoul with Burgundy...so i did a lot of thinking on my three hour bus ride home..and this is what i think..

we were created to love, to love unconditionally, and through that love, able to re-create life. what an honorable privilege? i have never thought of life as a privilege, but in so many ways, it is. the beauty that surrounds us, we are lucky to see it. to touch it. to be a part of it. what color is the ocean? a blind man does not know, he can say that it is blue, because someone told him it is blue, but what is blue to a blind man? it could be yellow or black or purple, he would not know. the point is, i do know. i know sometimes the ocean looks clear blue, and on really cold days, its a deeper blue, a blue that you cannot describe in words, you must see it. no life is not fair. it is not fair that i can see the color of the ocean and the blind man cannot. or that i can hear the beauty produced in a man-created piano, and the different notes and pitches, and that no matter how hard you attempt to describe that sound to a deaf person, they will never hear it. or try feeling sorry for yourself when you have a bad day, knowing that a mute person just wants to be able to speak the words, "i had a bad day." i have heard people say that perspective is everything, sometimes i think, perspective is the only thing. what keeps me going, what drives my life, is that our purpose is not to question, but to love, perceive, and serve what we surround ourselves with. i dont think that people know what it is like to feel fulfilled. i dont think this life gives you everything you need at the right time that you need it. i think that sometimes you can go an entire week feeling worthless. i also think that really bad things happen, to really good people. there are no answers as to why. but life balances you. if you are not being tested, and i dont think you are, then you can begin to appreciate the road. no matter where it takes you. no matter how long it takes you to get there. i picture faces in my mind of the most important people in my life, sometimes i wonder where they are at that very moment, what they are doing, what they are thinking, even more, i think how are they feeling? and i hope they're happy. i hope they're feeling loved. i hope they're smiling at someone just because its the right thing to do. i hope they're helping someone who needs their help. i hope they're living selflessly, in a way that was intended. and i hope they know that i do think of them, and i do love them, and i do want them to feel my love. you see, our hearts, all of our hearts, are intertwined by love, and people climb mountains through others' souls, searching for what they want to see in someone else... and then think this was not what i expected. this is not supposed to be here. i will tell you something, every imperfection, every flaw, every mistake on your very body is supposed to be there. the ugliness is not in the flaws, the ugliness is not visible, the ugliness hides. the lies, the deceit, the hate, the evilness, the deception, it hides. and the beauty, that you see, that you are privileged enough to visibly see and touch, it is right in front of you, it is staring at you in the face, saying please see me, please appreciate me, please do not be distracted, i love you... i hope you understand what i am saying. and i hope you see the beauty...ignoring, even avoiding at times, the distractions of this world that we frequently deem necessary as parts of our lives. they are not only unnecessary, they often do more harm, than good...

by the way, if you have not seen the movie Seven Pounds, with Will Smith, see it. most of everything i just wrote was stemmed from seeing that movie on my bus ride home. i think it is still in the theaters back home maybe...

January 6, 2009

2009-01-06T00:34:00.000-08:00

so i got back from Seoul on Sunday...how fun was that...i spent wed-sunday at burgundy's for New Years 2009. we get along great, of course we were both born on july 10th and our favorite color is baby blue, you know, how does that happen?? she is the girl in the picture of above and is coming to sokcho to stay with me for the Lunar New Year, 23-28 of January. i'm very excited, my first visitor.

things are really settling down here in korea for me. i am actually making time to write this. i just got done working out, a little kick boxing, pilates, jump rope routine i do, and i am going for seinfeld night at a my good friends' house, a couple, aka daniel and tova. of course guess who is responsible for bringing the seinfeld?? yep-me. thank goodness i packed four seasons, i dont know what we all would do when we get together..seriously.

i bought this puzzle last night, its "A Snowy Scene in the Hokkaido" - its in Japanese, a place known for brilliant winter landscapes and photography. i bought a panel for the puzzle that came with a nice frame, so when finished..wa-lah, i also have something to hang on my wall. i won't be surprised if i end up with 5 puzzles as my new custom decor here in sokcho. what can i say...i'm a tad limited here. i feel like this is a lousy update, so i will write some more later when i get home from seinfeld. but if you're reading, you should know, i'm happy, content, fortunate, and waiting for the rest of my life to unfold before my very eyes.

December 20, 2008

2008-12-20T01:02:00.000-08:00

I am finally settled into my apt and I love it. I am in Sung Ho Apartments in Sokcho, still trying to figure out my address in English, but I am in building 202. I had the most amazing day teaching yesterday. I just had an idea to work on my girls' English through singing Christmas songs, caroling per se. So I searched songs, played them for the class with words on the screen, and we sang Christmas songs all day. The students know ALL of our Christmas songs in English, but sometimes have problems with the words. They were so cute, they wanted me to sing by myself for them, which I actually did a couple times in order to sing the words correctly.

Nevertheless, I felt so good leaving school yesterday. The students make me feel so happy, they're innocent and respectful, helpful and understanding. One of my students, after only 5 days at the school, gave me a small little Christmas present yesterday as I was leaving, its this one inch thick candy cane stick all wrapped up in this circle and tied with gold ribbon. She of course bowed to me and handed it to me with both hands, its a good feeling to see high school girls so excited to sing Christmas songs, I had them standing up and clapping their hands, it was adorable. Yesterday one class asked me if my nose was real...and then if my eyes were blue contacts...they were shocked that indeed yes my face was not fake. If they weren't so serious and sweet i might be weirded out. But everything they say is out of curiousity and trying to understand me and get to know me. Its actually very endearing.

And if its possible, I think this is already one of my favorite holiday seasons, its much more rewarding to make children smile than to smile myself...of course seeing them smile makes me smile too...

I love Sokcho and I'm so happy to be teaching and touching lives. I wish I could explain more or explain it better. But its like wondering around lost in the context of the society, the worries of the world, the stress of the environments that you are told you live in, then waking up one day and seeing the world clearly, seeing the beauty that you never even knew existed..

December 15, 2008

2008-12-20T00:53:00.000-08:00

I am at school right now on the internet, still living at a hotel until my apt is ready. I am moving in this week,but we still haven't gone shopping or anything. They are actually very sweet, they waited for me to get here to look at apts, because she said they didn't know my style or taste. So cute. So i found my apt on saturday, there are these really cute newlyweds moving out now who just had a baby. It is a small 2 bedroom apt, but I got really lucky because I was expecting a studio apt. Plus the couple has remodeled the apt and they have really good taste. It was sooo cute. I looked at 5 awful apts and then this one. And its unit 710, my birthdate, so it must've been fate.

My co-teacher Seungmae, is an English teacher, one of 3, at the Yang Yang Girls High School. She is the one taking care of me right now, per se. She helps me to get my apt, my alien registration card, Korean cell phone, cable, furnish my apt, everything. She is about 40, married with two daughters. And an absolute sweetheart. She and I had dinner friday night, and she picked me up and I had dinner with her and her daughers on Sunday night. Thats when I gave her a gift, just two cute little tea/coffee mugs. Everything here is miniature. The cups people use for coffee are like the Dixie style bathroom cups we use in America when you're a child, and they only fill it up halfway full with coffee. It is sooo funny. I'm having coffee right now, but i'm going to want more in about two minutes, but you can't get more because they come in a one time packet.

Anyway, we are furnishing my apt today with a 5 million won budget, equivalent to $5,000 back home, from the school. I get to pick out everything, my bedroom set, refrigerator, couch, tv, etc. I'm so excited. Seungmae and I are doing that this afternoon. The students are taking exams this morning, then we will go. I have decided to live in Sokcho, that is where my apt is, because Yang Yang, although gorgeous, Sokcho is bigger with a lot more EPIK teachers and a lot more places to live, eat, etc. Another EPIK teacher, my age, told me not to live in Yang Yang. It is a 15 minute bus commute every morning to Yang Yang from Sokcho, but it is along the coast, a very beautiful bus commute I might add with the sunrise. So no big deal. Oh and my apt overlooks the mountains and is a 5-10 minute walk to the Sokcho Beach, along the coast of the East Sea (looks like the Sea of Japan on a map, but i learned very quickly you dont call it the Sea of Japan - Koreans are VERY sensitive about that.)

So yesterday was my first day teaching. This is the way it works, every school in the Gangwon Province has ONE EPIK teacher per school. I replaced a guy named Joe, whom I met at a Christmas party on Saturday night, anyway, Joe was second generation Korean, but mainly grew up in America. He is fluent in English and Korean. I am now the only EPIK teacher in my high school, so I teach almost every class in the school once a week, not exceeding 22 teaching hours a week. So I see my students once a week. They are all very sweet, kind and respectful. But its not at all like teaching in the states, my students applaud at me every time I walk into the classroom, Seungmae said that should fade. Also teachers, especially English speaking teachers, are highly respected here. It is a job of prestige. Even at restaurants they will give you a free extra plate or dessert for teaching English, because we are teaching their children and they spend lots of money on getting their children to learn English. Anyway - the first day of teaching I pretty much introduced myself and told them about my family, told them this is my first year in 25 years away from my family during the holidays, just some stuff that would give them some perspective. Then we played games like hangman on the chalkboard. It was funny needless to say. I had to write my name in Korean so they could pronounce Toni, and they all got a kick out of the family name Duckworth. :) The culture is very different. The students hand everything to me with both hands, always bow to me upon meeting and departing, it is a sign of respect to anyone who is older than you. Just like I hand everything to the Vice Principal or someone older with two hands, even a beer at a restaurant if the person is older, I also seriously bow 25 times a day if not more. Its hilarious.

At any rate, I will not have internet on my laptop until i get my registration card and get settled into my new apt. I can talk via microphone on the desktop computer at the hotel through Skype, but its difficult because the computer software and programs are all in Korean. Plus when I'm sleeping you're up and vice versa. I should be settled in by the weekend and I will keep y'all updated. Until then, I will have email access, but the whole webcam thing will have to wait...

This experience has been a dream come true already. I know this is getting long, but I shared this quote below with my mom and sisters and my reflection on it. I wanted to share it with the rest of you.

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right, and stopping the leaks in the roof, and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably, and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."

- C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

I remember my living house, my whole life i was working on making my life, my house, exactly what i wanted it to be. I let Him fix some things, the things that needed fixing i thought, but not everything, afterall it was MY house. Then i went through the things that hurt, lay offs, dissappointments, break ins, the loss of Harley, God was rebuilding my house. I didn't know then that He was building my house into a palace, my life into something He wanted it to be, but He has. And my living palace, i did not build it, He lives with me. I cannot tell you that life is perfect, that i won't have many more pains and dissappointments, but i can promise you this, God built me a palace. through my obedience, He has shown me my life. i may not be the best example of a Christian, or talk about in the way other people do, but i know that God carries me when i can't do it alone. He promises - "I will carry you" -Isaiah 46:4

December 12, 2008

2008-12-20T00:52:00.000-08:00

So my flight got in around 6:30PM Seoul time last night. I took an hour long bus to the COEX (City Terminal) and then a cab to my girlfriend Burgundy’s apartment for one night. It was a little confusing with the cab driver, but luckily Burgundy walked outside as I was looking for it. Thank goodness. Burgundy is a girl that when to the same high school as me and just happens to be out here the same year as me. She is living in Seoul and I will be 3 hours west of her in Yang Yang. Anyway, we basically dropped off my suitcases and then walked down to what we now refer to as “flag street” – which I think is equivalent to any downtown restaurant and bar area. We are calling it flag street, refer to the pictures, because there are tiny flags lining the top of the streets draped across from building to building. We ate at a restaurant that had pictures in the menu, just easier to point at what you want for now, so we shared three different entrees, one was spicy chicken, one was noodle rolled fried shrimp, and the other was some sort of sushi. We don’t have any idea what kind of sushi though. The good thing about the city overall, is it is amazing, and exactly what you picture in your mind. All the movies you see filmed in Asian countries, although the story is usually bogus and they don’t show the things you need to know, the actual image it paints in your mind is pretty accurate. That was comforting, because most of what you see is what you were expecting.

The restroom is not really what I expected, you have to squat into the floor; there is a stool type deal in the floor with a bucket of water hanging close to the ceiling that you pull on to flush. Very different. However when you think of it, much more sanitary than Americans all sitting on the same stool. There was toilet paper in the restroom as well. And when I washed my hands I got my boots wet, I didn’t know the water came out of a pipe in the back and into a drain near where you’re standing. Ooppss…

Right now I am on a bus on my way to Orientation in Chuncheon, it is a 2 hour bus ride. Then I take a taxi to the Gangwon-do Office of Education. Orientation is from 10AM-2:30PM. After that our co-teachers escort us to our respective districts and settle us into our new apartment, or what I like to call, home for a year. If the apartment is not ready, or sometimes they wait for you to come and look at apartments with you, then I will stay in a hotel until we have found something. Very exciting.

December 10, 2008

2008-12-20T00:50:00.000-08:00

So today is already something worth remembering. I prayed before my flight took off from Kansas City at 6:20AM CST for God to be with me all day, to bless my travels, my family, and my heart. Travels have been amazing. It started when my Mom and I went to the ATM this morning to get out money that hadn’t cleared late last night, miraculously it had all cleared my account before 5AM this morning and I was able to get all the money I needed. Then I get to the airport and my third luggage ticket printed out without any charges showing. Unfortunately the guy was a “by the books” guy and he filled out a manual form to charge me, but I’m telling you God tried to save me the money for the third suitcase. Now here I am on a full flight, there is only one other empty seat that I can even see on the whole plane, and somehow I ended up with an empty row ALL to myself. If that’s not God looking out for me to make me comfortable I don’t know what is.

I am in a Boeing 777-300ER. It is a huge plane and really nice. There are tv’s in every headrest and you can watch whatever you want with your remote and the free headsets. And by watch whatever you want, I mean you can watch New Release movies, an episode of Entourage, Friends, whatever you want and it costs nothing.

Just to give you an idea of what I have seen so far, once everyone was seated, the stewardess walked around in her cute little Korean outfit with her hair in a bun, and handed us all hot towels with tongs to wipe our hands clean. Then they pass out a cute little zipped bag, almost looks like a make up bag for your purse, that contains socks, a toothbrush, and toothpaste. Oh and the blankets, they are fleece and actually cover your whole body, I’m actually warm. Then I find out that you don’t pay for anything the entire flight, not pineapple juice, not beer, not water, not lunch, appetizers, dinner or anything. Needless to say I’ve heard of this before, but I am feeling a little spoiled. I am surrounded by culture, Japanese, Korean, Asian, and even Americans , (Americans that seriously only travel the world, mainly American men I might add).
I tried a new beer on the plane, its called Tiger, one of my nicknames back home actually – rooted from Tony the Tiger, I have a group of guy friends that just call me Tiger. Anyway, Tiger beer, it’s a good one. I already watched Fred Claus with Vince Vaughan, my sister I am sure is jealous, Friends, and I’m about to watch The Road to Perdition with Tom Hanks.

There is a guy that started talking to me while we were waiting on the plane, he is from Florida, originally a lawyer, brown eyes, brown hair, about 5 foot 10, athletic, 37 years old, and very kind. He took a job in Asia 4 and a half years ago and now he has a permanent residence in Singapore. The plane I am on is Singapore Airlines and stops in Seoul then continues on to Singapore, where he will be going. His name is Garrett Weiner. He does some pretty outrageous things, such as run a 150 KM race through Kobo Hawaii, he did that about a year ago. He said it takes about 7 days, you pack all your food and water on your back, and that’s how you survive for 7 days, and they actually call it a race. Amazing.

Gangwon-do, South Korea

2008-11-22T14:21:00.001-08:00

On November 12th I got an email from my recruiter at Aclipse for an offer in Gangwon-do South Korea. Gangwon is a gorgeous coastal province and is home of the Seoraksan National Park, that has over 3 million visitors annually. It is an eastern province, with lots of seafood due to its close proximity to the ocean. If you google the national park, you will find hundreds of pictures of it.

So I decided to take this job offer and will be updating this blog periodically with pictures and videos from my classroom. If you have any questions or advice, you can post them on here, or you can email me at toni.duckworth@gmail.com.

Thanks so much for reading my blog, and it'd be awesome if you would join as a "follower" so I know y'all are reading. :)